As I listened to several conversations over the past couple of weeks, I began to notice how much the language being used was actually helping to maintain the level of frustration I heard. That got me thinking about cause and effect.
The language we use with ourselves is immensely influential. Just take a few minutes to listen to the kinds of things you are currently saying to yourself, especially during times of stress.
For instance, if you are feeling overwhelmed by all the things that have somehow been added to your schedule, how many of these might you be saying or feeling:
"Oh, I'll never get this done in time!" (and it's making me feel even more pressure/guilt, etc.)
"I don't know where to start" (and I feel like I'm just chasing my tail.)
"There's too much to do" (and all I can see is that overwhelmingly large picture.)
"It just isn't fair!" (and why did it have to happen to me?)
Obviously, we each have our own way of dealing, or not dealing, with what happens in our life. Especially if we're facing change.
When we feel any unwanted emotion, the most important thing we can do, and the first step to recovering our balance, is to manage our own state of being. If we're stuck in the negative feelings, it's more difficult to have access to all of our own best resources.
The way we "frame" our thinking directly affects the answers and responses we are going to get. In managing our lives, which often means dealing with the circumstances, we can either be at the effect of what happens to us, or we can be in control of how we respond or react.
When we take on a "victim" or helpless attitude, we limit ourselves to thinking that assumes we have no choices, that we are limited by what is granted to us or what is allowed by someone outside ourselves.
When we shift our internal voices slightly and assume responsibility for our experience, we open up many more possibilities for acquiring or achieving what we really want.
All of us have resorted to disempowering questions at some time in our lives – "Why does this always happen to me?" or "Why did I do this again?"
These kinds of questions keep us stuck – our internal computers (brains) are busy creating the justifications for our current situations rather than looking for ways to improve, expand, or get the more beneficial results we really want.
By shifting our language, even slightly, we will often dramatically shift the focus for our problem-solving computer/brains, getting much more useful results.
Think about how different your responses will be to those previous thoughts when you make any of the following shifts:
"What can I do right now to help insure this gets done in time?"
"What small step can I take to move this forward right now?"
"What are the key elements that must be done?"
In these examples, notice that we shifted our focus from being at the effect of external causes to being in control by taking responsibility for what we are experiencing. That simple shift of language gives us a sense of power over our circumstances rather than the helplessness we felt before. We can use the same kind of thinking to ensure we ask ourselves empowering (instead of disempowering) questions. First of all, by allowing ourselves to become more fascinated (rather than frustrated) by what we are experiencing, and then by shifting our perspective to one of internal control or one of possibilities.
So, our questions (from above) could become, "How can I make sure this doesn't happen to me again?" and "What could I do to respond more resourcefully next time?"
Again, notice how this simple shift opens up many more options and possibilities, how many more choices we have, and how much more personal control we have. Same circumstances, different framework.
Christine Lavin has a great song in which she says "He's not a victim, he's a volunteer". Unfortunately that describes too many of us who have become used to believing that the circumstances in our lives control our experience of the world rather than remembering that we're the ones who create the context. And that ultimately we do have the power to control our own responses, including how and where we look for answers.
We can choose to get small and limit our experience and results by cutting off our enjoyment and our possibilities, or we can open up to the possibilities of being and having more by becoming responsible for how we manage our thoughts, feelings and responses. We have the choice every moment, and we are only limited by the framework we have constructed for ourselves.